My name is Mike Frazier and I am a psychiatrist and marriage coach.
I’ve been married since 2005 to the wonderful woman in the picture, Elizabeth, and we have five amazing children.
I graduated Magna Cum Laude in neuroscience from Brigham Young University, attended UCLA medical school, and went through psychiatry residency training at UC Irvine.
For YEARS In My Marriage, I Was Smiling On The Outside, But EXTREMELY Unhappy On The Inside
People outside our marriage would have NEVER known that I was struggling.
In fact, my WIFE even hardly knew I was struggling!
I RARELY told her things that bothered me.
And if I did, I quickly took them back.
Inside, here’s how I really felt.
I often felt like whatever I did, it wasn’t enough for her.
I worked hard to go through medical school, residency and private practice to provide for my family.
I did my best to be a good father for my children.
I tried to understand her, to serve her, to help her, to be there for her.
But, I never really felt appreciated for what I did.
I felt shut out. Like she didn’t really care.
I would want to share things with her, and would try sometimes, but I didn’t get far.
I didn’t feel like she was listening.
I felt like I was being used as a meal ticket and sometimes a babysitter and a servant around the house. That I was only good for that to her.
Our sex life was awful. She would never initiate, and would usually shut me down if I initiated.
When we did have sex, it wasn’t all that great because I felt like I was taking something from her. Like I had finally worn her down enough to give in.
I understood that sex was difficult for her.
After all, she was a victim of EXTREME sexual abuse (and is now an advocate for bringing awareness to sex trafficking, learn about her here.)
But I also knew sex was important to me. I just didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us.
At One Point We Went Over A YEAR With ZERO Sex
This was a turning point for me. I felt like I couldn’t go on like this much longer.
I felt like I got a lot more attention from my fellow female students, residents, doctors and nurses.
I would spend lots of time fantasizing and imagining how different…
life would be if I could be with one of them, or some girl from my past… or even somebody from church.
Of course, I felt guilty about this. I knew that wasn’t right.
But I didn’t know what else to do.
Sometimes I Would Go To My Car And SCREAM Because I Felt Like I Couldn’t Take It Anymore.
I didn’t feel like I could really talk to anyone about all this.
ESPECIALLY not my own wife.
I had to act like things were fine at work, at church, and with my family.
I distanced myself from friends and family because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on.
It was a very lonely, stressful, sad and anxious time.
I thought about divorce occasionally, but because of my religious beliefs, I knew that wasn’t really what I wanted to do.
I decided that for me, I owed it to myself, my kids and to God to do my best to make it work.
I Spent Many Years Learning What It Takes To Build A Happy Marriage
I was fortunate to have specialized in psychiatry, where I learned the most effective tools and techniques to manage my own thoughts and emotions from some of the best teachers on the planet.
I read books, took courses and listened to podcasts about relationships, marriage, sexuality, attraction, mindset, emotional intelligence, and personal development.
After all my studies and application…
I Found The Necessary Steps To Create A Happy Marriage
Step 1 – Separate yourself from your spouse
This sounds counterintuitive, but is NECESSARY for a happy marriage.
Most people think that marriage is a BLENDING of two people into one.
Like making a smoothie.
A smoothie is great, but the berries and bananas can’t be separated into their separate parts again.
It’s one dimensional. And if you don’t feel like a smoothie that day, tough luck.
But a great marriage is more like a sandwich.
Each ingredient stands on its own, is good on its own, and can be used other places.
Bread can make toast. Meat can go in a salad.
But, when you come together, you make something even BETTER than you are separately.
What’s better than a great sandwich? (I like sandwiches)
This separation has to happen in terms of your self worth and self confidence.
You need to be solid in who you are as a person without needing your spouse to build up your ego all the time (give you attention, appreciation, or affection/sex).
When you are trying to get your sense of self worth from your wife, you do nice things, but there’s a string attached. You want her to tell you how great you are.
I call this being a MOSQUITO. You’re trying to SUCK OFF attention, appreciation and affection (sex) from your wife.
This is when you get eye rolls and courtesy “thank yous” when you buy your wife a gift or do the dishes.
She knows your “ulterior motive,” which is NOT attractive.
This separation also needs to happen in how you take care of your body, your finances, your thoughts, your friends, your work, and your hobbies.
You need to stand on your own two feet and be a strong and attractive man.
But one of the biggest separations you need to make is an emotional separation.
It is not your job to make your wife happy, and it’s not her job to make you happy.
It’s your job to define what works and what doesn’t work for you in your marriage and work towards that.
Which brings us to step 2.
Step 2 – Communicate Clearly
Now that you’ve appropriately separated yourself from your wife, you’re ready to CONNECT with her in new and amazing ways.
That’s what communication is all about.
Marriage is meant to be FUN. A GAME that you BOTH win.
Communication is the way that we find out how we both win.
Whether that’s with money, sex, in-laws, housework, parenting or religion.
We need to be brave enough to let our spouse know:
-What we want
-What we don’t like/ What’s not working for us
If you feel RESENTFUL in your marriage, I can ASSURE you that you are NOT doing one and likely both of these.
We also have to be HUMBLE and EMOTIONALLY MATURE enough to:
-Listen to our wife’s viewpoint and understand her deeply
-See how WE are causing problems in our marriage
Then we need the skill to get to agreements that work for BOTH of us.
If we’re in the marriage smoothie, we won’t do this, because we don’t want to risk the relationship.
We can’t tolerate our spouse’s disapproval of our ideas, and her ideas are too threatening to us to really listen to.
We get overwhelmed and the “discussions” degrade into shouting matches or silent treatments…
Or the conversation never happens at all.
Step 3 – Celebrate your life together
Once you realize there are three elements to your relationship: you, your wife, and your relationship…
And you know how to create wins for BOTH of you…
Your life is going to become AMAZINGLY happy and fun.
You’ll enjoy spending time together. You’ll enjoy a vibrant sex life. You’ll be great friends AND passionate lovers.
You’ll enjoy BOTH time together AND time alone.
And your alone time will STRENGTHEN your together time.
My Happy Ending
As I separated myself from my wife in a healthy way, learned to communicate, and started having FUN in my marriage…
My marriage started to transform.
I didn’t feel like I was being used or mistreated in my marriage.
I felt like I had been let out of prison.
I started to experience deep connection with my wife as we shared the most important parts of ourselves with each other.
Our sex life became a way to share an electric, deep connection (something I never thought possible due to her history of serious sexual abuse).
These relationship changes extended to my kids.
I didn’t get angry as easily. I spent more quality time with them. I saw them as a joy instead of a nuisance.
Work got much easier, as I wasn’t distracted by all the problems at home. I was more productive and did a much better job with my clients.
I felt calm and confident again and reconnected with friends at work and church.
Those changes have continued to grow over time to where now I can hardly believe how great my marriage is.
As I taught these principles to others, they started to see the same types of changes.
You can see their stories here.
This Can Be Your Happy Ending Too
Even if you’re the only one who wants to work on it.
No matter what happened in your marriage…
-Falling out of love
-Lack of intimacy
-Lack of appreciation
-Money, parenting, in-laws, housework, or sex conflicts
As you follow these three steps (separate, communicate, celebrate), you WILL get the marriage that you’re hoping for.
A truly, HAPPY marriage.
I would love to help you get there.
Because life is SO much better here!
More Details About Me If You’re Interested
Brigham Young University – Magna Cum Laude – Bacehlor’s Degree – Neuroscience
ULCA medical school – MD Degree
UC Irvine – Psychiatry Residency
PTSD fellowship – Long Beach VA
Redbook 1 – 34 Alternatives to Couples Therapy That Will Strengthen Your Relationship
2 – 40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship
3 – 33 Ways to Battle Jealousy In Your Relationship
U.S. News and World Report 1 – 6 Affordable Mental Health Care Service Options
2 – How introverts can win at negotiating retail purchases
Ask Men – Stimulate Her With 12 “Moan Zones”
Men’s Journal – Sex Tips For Parents